GLASHABOY RIVER LIFEBOUY REACHES RETIREMENT

A lifebouy, located at a bank of the Glashaboy River, has reached its maximum life-span of 5 years without ever having been used. This remarkable and laudable achievement means that the lifebouy is to be retired and the lifebouy stand is to be removed completely before being destroyed.

A spokesperson for Water Safety Ireland told Glanmire News Area: "It's really great when a piece of water safety equipment is not required, because it means that we are all doing something right".

The spokesperson then oddly continued, "Whilst of course, there is always some hint of sadness, when a device fails to fulfil the purpose for which it was created, such as an unused hunting knife, or an automatic assault rifle which never gets to kill, but this is small potatoes compared with great news that this particular lifebouy was never needed these past five years".

man of the moment - hero lifebouy

There is however a possible twist in this tale, as a Glanmire resident has told us in confidence that he/she has personally seen someone using the lifebouy. Apparently, the lifebouy was used in June of 2018, by a local youth when retrieving a football from the base of Glanmire Bridge.

This has sparked no small amount of discussion and outrage about whether, if true, this would count as sufficient use of a lifebouy and mean that it would be denied it's glorious retirement. This claim has however, been quashed by the ruling authority on lifebouy services, deciding that "the person making this claim is an utter bullshitter, I've known him for years... same old shit!"