AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM MYSTIC MARY
It has come to my attention that there are a lot of reports about star signs having been changed and I feel it is my duty as a certified (by me) Astrology Expert to let my followers, my Maryonettes, know my feelings on the matter.
Mystic Mary
I think it is absolute horse shit. Bullshit. Codswallop bollocking shite. What sort of fuckwit came up with this? You can’t just change which star signs are for which dates willy nilly. These things have been the same for millennia, presumably. Early Astrologers determined what shapes the stars sort of looked like in groups if you sort of tilted your head a bit, at different times of the year, and noted how this clearly has different effects on people born under those stars throughout their lives. This is science. You can’t just go around telling people “By the way, you know that thing you’ve been living by and basing important decisions on all your life? Well that was all a lie. You’re not a Taurus anymore Sharon. You’re an Aries now. Deal with it”. It’s madness. Who’s going to believe that? It’s like anyone can just make up whatever they want now.
I’ll tell you, I did my own horoscope, as I always do, and the stars didn’t tell me I was going to be a fucking Capricorn by the end of the month I can tell you that. They told me I should keep an eye out for a tenner on the ground outside the Credit Union and I did and do you know what happened? Tenner. On the ground outside the Credit Union. Falling from the hand of an elderly gentleman having some sort of an attack.
You can’t tell me the two years I’ve spent divining people’s futures from the heavens have been all for nothing. This is my life’s work we’re talking about!
And what the fuck is an Ophiuchus? How do you even say it? Oh I haven’t been this upset since the day Pluto stopped being a planet. And yes I know that’s Astronomy, not Astrology, but it’s all up in the fucking sky alright?
Look, I think there needs to be a serious conversation about all of this. If we change it now people will say we’ve just been making it up and pulling it out of our arses all along and I will not let the good name of Astrology be besmirched like that. Over my dead body! (which, incidentally, isn’t supposed to happen for at least 3 years when I’m due a bit of a rough patch, but I’m sure it’ll be fine.)